Without
by PrehistoricCat
Summary: As Matt reflects on a difficult year during which the ARC had to come to terms with the death of Connor Temple and the breakdown of his relationship with Emily, Abby is deciding it's time she got on with her life again.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Characters not mine, and no copyright intended**

**The muse is in need of lots of encouragement, please let me know if you enjoy this.**

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_Christmas Eve - Matt_

Matt had tried very hard to blend into the background all evening so that it wouldn't be noticed when he slipped away early. The ARC's party was in full swing and it seemed everyone was having a good time. It was a far cry from this time last year.

Until Connor's tragic accident, the ARC had been settled in the aftermath of New Dawn. Anomalies were few and far between which allowed the team time to relax and even take a holiday if they wanted. Matt had taken Emily over to Ireland for a couple of weeks and they'd decided that they'd like to take more of a long term leave. It was all planned. They'd set off just after the new year celebrations and spend six months travelling around the world, taking in all the sights that people took for granted. They both knew just how close it had come to losing them all, and they intended to savour and appreciate them.

But three weeks before Christmas, the locking device failed during what should have been a routine anomaly call. Connor tried to fix it in-situ but whilst all eyes were on him, three raptors came through the unguarded anomaly. Becker killed two of them and Matt took the last one down with his EMD, but it was too late. Connor died a few hours later in hospital with Abby at his side. Sometimes Matt could still hear Abby's anguished cry just as plainly as he had that night whilst he waited in the corridor outside Connor's room. Death had been an almost daily occurrence in his own time and everyone just accepted it. He'd never heard anyone cry out in the way Abby had, and he could feel her pain with every nerve in his body. It would haunt him forever.

After that, the ARC was thrown into chaos. Everyone blamed themselves; if they'd responded quicker, if they hadn't taken their eyes off the anomaly, if they'd sent for the spare device instead of letting Connor try to fix the one they had... As Christmas approached, it fell on Matt to try and keep the team together, meaning his own plans were put to one side. "It's just temporary," he promised Emily. "Once we've had a full inquest in the new year and I have the Vancouver team on board properly to support the team with the research and technology, we can begin our trip. It'll just mean us leaving a few weeks later than we originally intended."

No-one had felt like having a Christmas party, but Matt had at least persuaded everyone to go over to the pub and have a drink together. Everyone except Abby. After Connor's funeral, she decided that she would go and spend time with Connor's mum. As the remaining ARC team wished each other a Merry Christmas, it was with more than just a twinge of sadness that Connor was gone and that Abby was facing some very dark times ahead.

The new year brought inevitable change in the wake of what had happened. Evan Cross in Vancouver took over responsibility for all research and liaised with the UK ARC's science team, whilst Matt and Becker put together two field teams that would consist of military personnel, with Jess continuing her role as co-ordinator and Abby, when she felt able to return, in charge of the menagerie and advising on handling the creatures they encountered. Matt and Emily's plans were pushed further and further away and before they knew it, the Easter holiday was upon them.

When Abby returned to work, they were all worried about her. She shut out everyone, choosing to focus entirely on the menagerie. Matt could see that her heart had been shattered into a thousand fragments and was slowly trying to put the pieces of her life back together. He watched from a distance as one by one the ARC team tried to extend a hand of support or friendship, only for it to be politely rejected. It was Matt that finally made a connection through their mutual love of animals and his suggestions for improvements to the facilities in the menagerie were met with a spark of interest. It was then that Matt knew he couldn't just up and leave on a long trip with Emily.

Closing his eyes, Matt recalled that evening when he told Emily that he wasn't going to go travelling after all. The look on her face said it all. Their relationship was over before it had even really begun. She left a week later, alone and armed with the passport that Lester had arranged for her and a long list of places she wanted to see.

"I'll write to you," she promised, giving Matt a final hug and a lingering kiss on the lips. She paused, perhaps hoping he'd change his mind, and then turned away and left. The last he'd heard, she was in South Africa – Cape Town to be precise, and making plans to do a road trip across America with a couple of people she'd met on a safari ranch a few weeks previously. He was pleased that she was happy, but he sometimes felt a pang of regret that he hadn't gone with her. Still, she was living her life the way she wanted, and he was living the life that he had been preparing for since he was a child. The ARC was where he belonged, and it needed him now more than ever.

"Please tell me there's at least one shot of vodka in that orange juice?!" A familiar voice pulled Matt away from his thoughts and he opened his eyes to look straight into the sapphire blue of Abby's. He wondered how long she'd been here. He supposed that maybe she had been trying to blend in un-noticed like he had, though he was certain he would have seen her. Abby was someone who didn't just blend in, he never had any trouble finding her. Actually, she always seemed to find him too, no matter how invisible he tried to be.

"Sorry, I'm driving."

"Driving? Matt, it's Christmas Eve!" Abby slid herself into the seat next to him and sniffed at the half full glass of orange juice on the table in front of Matt.

"I didn't feel like walking home tonight, and a taxi would cost an arm and a leg if you could actually manage to find one. Besides, I'm on security duty tomorrow and Boxing day."

Abby glared at him incredulously and he laughed. "It's okay, Abby," he said. "I volunteered. Becker had assigned four of his men to cover the Christmas period, but they're all family guys and should spend the time with their loved ones. I'm doing the day shifts, and the others are going to cover the nights between them."

"So you're spending Christmas alone at the ARC?"

"I'd only be spending it alone in my flat. May as well be doing something useful." He watched Abby for a moment as she digested that thought and then said, "I'm surprised to see you here. I thought you'd be spending Christmas with Connor's mum."

"I was invited," Abby sighed. "But so were her sister and her nephew, who's just had a baby boy. I didn't think I could handle that. Another reminder that I would've been married to Connor by now and possibly expecting a baby. Connor wanted a large family." For a moment, Matt noticed her eyes take on a glassy appearance. It would not be the first time that Abby had cried in front of him. But then she seemed to shake herself out of it, blinked away the unshed tears and smiled. "I've made some big decisions over the last few weeks. It's time I moved forward instead of dwelling on what might have been."

"That sounds like a good idea," Matt said, thinking that maybe it was something he should do too. "Connor would want you to be happy."

"I know. It's taken me a year to realise it, but now that I have..." She paused, taking a deep breath. "I want to be back on the field team in the new year."

"Abby, we would love to have you back, but only if you're ready."

"I am. I've taken up my yoga and kick boxing classes again and Becker's put together a program I can do at the ARC's gym. I'll be back up to full fitness in no time."

"That wasn't what I meant."

Abby reached for Matt's hand and squeezed it. "You don't have to worry about that either. I think it'll be a bit weird at first, but I need to be part of the team again. Connor's death, and Stephen's, Cutter's and Sarah's, would all be meaningless if we didn't continue with the very thing they all felt so passionate about."

"I think you're very brave," Matt said, squeezing her hand back.

"Thank you, but I don't feel it." Abby released Matt's hand and took a long mouthful of her drink. "I thought Emily might be home for Christmas?"

"She doesn't have a home. And even if she did come back here, I'm not sure I'd be the person she would want to spend Christmas with."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I think if we were meant to be, we wouldn't have allowed ourselves to be separated in this way. Either she would have waited until I thought I could leave the ARC, or I'd have gone after her."

Their conversation was halted by some loud cheering, and then Jess announcing that the karaoke would be starting shortly if anyone wanted to put their name down. Matt glanced at Abby and downed the remainder of his orange juice. "I think that's my cue to call it a night."

"I won't be far behind you," Abby said.

"How are you getting home?"

"Walking. It's not far." Abby caught the look in Matt's eye and knew what he was thinking. "I can take care of myself you know."

"I don't doubt it, but I can give you a lift. It's no bother."

"And it's out of your way... I'm fine walking, honestly."

But Matt would not take no for an answer. He knew Abby was strong and independent and more than capable of taking on men twice her size, but there would be a lot of people out there who would have had one too many drinks tonight, and people under the influence of alcohol were very unpredictable. He would not be able to live with himself if something happened to her when an addition of ten minutes to his journey would ensure she got home safely.

The journey through the town centre should have been a quick one, but Matt had to drive slowly to avoid hitting the party revellers walking down the middle of the road or crossing over from one side to the other without looking. He was grateful to have Abby beside him acting as a second pair of eyes. "Maybe it would have been easier to walk," he commented as he turned off the main road to head towards the estate where Abby lived.

"Possibly, but not half as much fun!"

Matt laughed and relaxed now that there were less obstacles to negotiate. "You didn't say what you were going to do for Christmas?"

"Hibernating mostly," Abby replied. "Curling up on the sofa with a bottle of wine and the TV remote, channel hopping and trying to find the cheesiest movies that I can. Failing that, I may make a start on my plan for moving forward with my life."

Matt waited for her to elaborate further, but when she didn't he decided to change the subject. She'd tell him about it when and if she was ready to. Instead he began to slow the car down. "Your place is somewhere round here isn't it?"

"A little further up, red door on the left." Abby pointed in the general direction of her apartment block and Matt pulled into the empty parking space behind Abby's car. "Thank you," she smiled, loosening her seat belt.

"You're welcome. And hey look, it's just after midnight." He nodded at the display on his dashboard, the clock read "00:01" "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too, even though neither of us are actually celebrating it this year."

"What is it they say? Bah Humbug?"

Abby rolled her eyes and turned to get out of the car, but then she stopped and turned back to Matt, leaned over and kissed him softly on the cheek. "Thank you for everything you've done over the last few months. You're a sweet guy and... well, I hope you're able to move forward with your life too."

She scurried away, glancing back only once before opening the door into the apartment block. Matt watched, waiting until she'd disappeared inside and closed the door behind her before he took a deep breath and blinked away the tears in his eyes he'd not realised were there until now. As he restarted the car and began to pull away, there was an aching in his heart he'd not experienced in a while. He almost wished he hadn't volunteered to work on Christmas day.

-o-

_Christmas day – Abby_

"So much for a lie-in!" Abby muttered under her breath, pulling the duvet over her head to try and muffle out the sound. It had been her intention to stay in bed as long as possible, but the two small children in the apartment above had other ideas. They'd already been awake for some time and she could hear them running around and shouting excitedly. Normally, she'd be banging on the ceiling or knocking on the door asking the parents to try and quieten them down, but she would make an allowance today. If children couldn't make a bit of noise on Christmas day, when could they?

The noise grew louder and Abby gave up, pulling the duvet off completely and sitting up. She glanced at the photo of Connor on the bedside table and smiled, before getting out of bed, pulling on her dressing gown and padding across the room.

Anyone visiting Abby's home would be forgiven for not realising it was Christmas. Aside from a few cards she had stuck along the edge of the bookshelf, there were no decorations. It didn't really seem worth bothering to put any up. She'd not celebrated Christmas properly herself for most of her adult life until Connor had come along. He'd loved it of course and were he here now, he'd probably be joining the children upstairs in bouncing around the place excitedly.

Whilst she waited for the kettle to boil so that she could make herself a coffee to wake up properly, she glanced around the apartment. Over the coming days and weeks, she was going to have to harden her heart and make some difficult decisions. The place had remained unchanged since Connor's death and it was almost as if he would walk through the door any minute. It had been a comfort at first, but now Abby felt it was unhealthy to be clinging on to the past in this way. It wasn't that she wanted to forget Connor, not by a long shot, but she also had to be practical. She'd picked up some bags from the local charity shop ready to fill with the decent clothes from his wardrobe. What wasn't good enough for the charity bag, she'd throw out, keeping just one item of clothing that meant something special to her.

The red hooded top that Connor had worn the entire year that they were stranded in the Cretaceous was still in Abby's drawer. It was falling apart and they'd never been able to get it completely clean, but Abby was glad of that fact. The scent reminded her of a special time when she and Connor had formed a solid bond that ran deeper than anyone else could ever understand.

That decision was a relatively easy one, it was the rest of his things that proved a little more difficult. His Xbox had simply been pushed away into the cabinet under the TV. Abby had never felt the desire to get it out and play on it, but for some reason she couldn't think of parting with it. They'd had some good times playing games together. Still, there may be some child that would love to own one and their parents couldn't afford a new one. She should have sent it to the charity shop before Christmas. In the new year, it would join the clothes in the bag.

Connor's books and other bits and pieces were a mix and would have to be gone through individually. The stuff on archaeology, prehistory and evolution were worth keeping, the ones on aliens and sci-fi probably not. The fossils and bones that decorated various corners of the apartment would also have to be judged on the merits and aesthetic qualities of each piece. Some of them were actually quite interesting to look at, others were hideous.

With a strong coffee made, Abby settled herself onto the sofa and turned on the TV. Flicking through the channels, she finally decided on the BBC news channel since she had no desire to watch cartoons or religious programmes. With her plans already changed, she glanced around the room trying to think of something she could do to keep her busy today instead. With her mind already mulling over changes she could make to the apartment, she was now thinking of having a makeover. A change of colour scheme for the soft furnishings, a lick of paint, moving some of the furniture. Nothing major, but enough to make a difference.

Full of a new enthusiasm, Abby pulled out her sketchpad and note book and began to make some plans. It felt good, like she was finally taking a positive step towards getting on with her life. Matt would be proud of her, he'd been urging her to do something like this for a couple of months.

Matt. The thought of him made Abby pause for a moment. He'd been a huge support over the last year and she was certain she would never have pulled through her darkest moments without him. Somehow he'd seemed to know exactly the right thing to say or do. He was never obtrusive or pushy, yet he was there at the very moment she needed him. Part of her felt guilty that she had taken so much of his time, and she knew that sometimes he regretted not going with Emily. The sadness in his eyes made her heart ache for him and that seemed to draw her closer to him. They had something in common. If she'd known sooner that he had agreed to be on security duty at the ARC, she'd have tried to talk him out of it and maybe invited him for dinner with her.

Then it hit her. She could still have dinner with him, though it wouldn't be a roast turkey with all the trimmings. She hadn't seen the point in making a huge dinner just for herself, so was planning to make her favourite pasta salad with pieces of chicken in. There would easily be enough for two. Jumping up and almost running into the kitchen, she filled a saucepan with water, threw in several handfuls of pasta and set it on the boil. She then opened up the fridge and grabbed anything that vaguely resembled a salad item and placed it on the work top.

Almost an hour later, she had a large tub filled with chicken and pasta salad, minus a dressing because she wasn't sure what Matt would like. She got out a jar of mayonnaise, some vinegarette and a bottle of thousand islands. Into the bag she added some bread, a couple of plates, cutlery, glasses and a bottle of grape juice. It would be a perfect little picnic and one she was sure Matt would appreciate.

It was only when she got into the car that the weight of what she was doing hit her. She was imposing herself on Matt's day without invitation. What if he didn't want company? There'd been many a time when she just wanted to shut herself away on her own and think things over. Perhaps volunteering to work today had been the excuse he needed so that he could turn down any invitations. Frowning, she decided it was too late to worry about it now. The food could not go to waste.

By the time she was driving up the ramp towards the security barrier at the ARC, she'd decided that she would dump the bag of food with Matt and leave him to his work. The more she'd thought about it, the more she was convinced that that was what he wanted today. He was probably missing Emily and having Abby around was the last thing he needed. Stopping the car, she opened the window to swipe her card through the machine to open the barrier and she waited for it to raise. She could see Matt looking out of the window of the security office so she gave him a wave before she drove through the now open entrance to go park in her space.

"What are you doing here?" Matt asked, greeting her in the corridor.

"Thought you'd like some food." Matt eyed the large bag that Abby was carrying and ushered her into the security office. "I know you, you'd have had some toast this morning and planning to heat something in the microwave this evening."

Matt blushed. Abby was right. "And I bet you haven't brought anything to eat here during your shift so you were going to raid Jess's drawer later to see what biscuits she had stashed away."

"Guilty as charged," Matt grinned. "Am I really that predictable?"

Abby nodded. "I'm afraid it's not a full blown turkey roast dinner, it's just a chicken pasta salad but I hope you'll find it filling."

"It looks wonderful," Matt gingerly lifted the lid on the tupperware container and peered inside. "Thank you for thinking of me."

"And now I'll be on my way and leave you in peace." Abby turned and was almost out of the door when she felt Matt's hand on her shoulder.

"You're not staying? There's two plates in the bag and enough salad to feed an army."

"Do you want me to stay? I don't want to..."

"Abby. I've been sitting here bored out of my mind! I would love your company for a little while. That is unless you have something better to do?"

Relieved, Abby sat herself down in front of the many screens to watch the CCTV feed at various points around the ARC. With the exception of the two that were in the menagerie, all seemed very still. She'd never seen the place so deserted and it was almost a sad sight when she was used to it being a busy and vibrant place. "No wonder you were bored," Abby commented.

"It's not all bad," Matt said, grabbing the spare seat and pulling it next to Abby. "Bottom left." He leaned over and took hold of the computer mouse to click on the screen in question. "I've been watching music videos on youtube."

"You're brave," Abby said. "Jess will have you in the office on the first day back demanding to know what sort of ARC business required you to watch youtube."

"Ah, I'm clever. Connor once showed me how to cover my tracks so she'd never know." Matt blushed again and looked down at his feet. "Sorry."

"It's okay to talk about Connor you know," Abby said, stroking Matt's hand. "I can think about him without turning into a blubbering wreck now. He showed me how to clear my internet history on the system too. In fact, I'm pretty certain everyone, including Lester, knows how to browse the internet and hide it from Jess."

"Do you think she has a clue what we're all doing?"

"I'm sure she suspects, but can't prove anything." Abby leaned in closer to the screen, intrigued to see what Matt had been watching. She'd spent many hours with him recently but knew very little about the things he liked outside of his work. She was surprised to find that his taste in music was very similar to her own, classic rock mostly and some of the current popular folk rock bands. Whilst Matt shared out the food, they chatted about the songs they liked and Abby searched for them so they could watch the video. They even talked about maybe going to a music festival like Glastonbury.

The conversation flowed easily, lasting a number of hours without realising it. It was only when young Andy Jones put his head around the door to let Matt know he'd arrived to take over the late shift that they noticed the time. Abby couldn't remember the last time she'd lost an entire afternoon engrossed in good company and conversation and it felt nice. She was almost disappointed to be clearing away the empty plates whilst Matt gathered together his things.

"I'm glad you came," Matt said as they walked down the corridor towards the exit to the car park. "It made a long day pass very quickly. Thank you."

"You're welcome, and thank you too. I was worried that you didn't want company today and I'd have understood if you'd sent me away."

"I can't think of anyone else that I'd rather have spent today with."

Abby wasn't sure, but she could have sworn that Matt was blushing again. It was not like him and she wondered why. He'd had the same look last night too when she'd kissed him. What if that was it? She had to admit that it had felt nice to kiss him.

Almost as if someone was anticipating this moment, Abby glanced up and saw a sprig of mistletoe. It was her turn to blush as her mind began to race. Matt wondered what she was looking at and followed the direction of her gaze. "I think Jess put that up, hoping to catch Becker on his way out one evening," he said in explanation.

"And did she? Catch him I mean."

"I don't think so. Becker's getting good at dodging her."

"She'll wear him down eventually," Abby laughed. "Though personally I think he's an idiot for not at least giving it a try with her. Life's too short."

"Agreed." Matt glanced up at the mistletoe again and cleared his throat. "Shame to let it go to waste since Jess went to so much trouble to put it up there."

"Yes." Abby wasn't sure why her voice was barely there, but as Matt closed the gap between them and placed his hand at the back of her head to pull her closer she began to understand. The warmth of his lips on hers felt like coming home and she closed her eyes, losing herself in the unexpected pleasant sensation. When Matt briefly pulled away, Abby opened her eyes and caught a look in his eyes that made her heart skip a beat. She reached up and stroked his cheek with her thumb and then leaned in again for another kiss.

Matt let out a soft sigh as his lips caressed hers and he pulled her against his body, enveloping her in his arms. Abby relaxed into the embrace, gasping as Matt's tongue pushed against her lips to urge them apart. She allowed her tongue to tangle against his and her heart began to pound hard against the wall of her chest. Then it all changed. A sense of panic overwhelmed her and she pulled away, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Matt... I can't do this."

"It's my fault," Matt immediately responded. "I crossed a line that I shouldn't have. I'm the one that should be apologising."

"It's me. I'm just not ready for this. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even been here. I'll see you in a couple of days." She turned and left as quickly as possible, not looking back once in case she saw the hurt in Matt's eyes that she knew would be there. She had probably ruined everything. What was she thinking? It was like she was betraying Connor by feeling something for another man, even it was only for a few brief minutes.

She sped out of the car park and out through the security gate, her tyres screeching as she pulled out onto the main road. She had to be away from the ARC, away from Matt, away from the crime scene. Her eyes stung with tears and she knew she had to pull over and stop the car to pull herself back together otherwise she'd have an accident. Finding a quiet spot, she parked up at the side of the road and switched off the engine. Taking a deep breath, she hoped to clear her head and regain her composure so that she could continue her journey home, but instead the tears fell harder. Giving in, Abby buried her face in her hands and sobbed harder than she'd done in many months.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to those that took the time to leave a review on part 1. So many stories on here now are receiving only a few reviews, and I know this is not one of the popular pairings in the fandom, so it's really appreciated. If you enjoy this second part, then I'd really like to know.

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_New Year's Eve - Matt_

"You are coming tonight, aren't you?"

Matt glanced up, suddenly aware that Jess was stood by his desk and had been talking to him, seemingly for some time judging by the frown on her face.

"Tonight?"

Jess sighed. "The New Year's Eve party at the lake. Fireworks, food, alcohol... You know, the party you and Becker missed out on last year because of that escaped … thing at the ARC."

"The Diictodon." Matt smiled. He'd been at the lake last year with Becker, Jess and Emily getting ready to see in the new year with the rest of the gathered crowds when they all received an automated alert from the ARC indicating a problem. When Matt investigated further, it showed that a creature had somehow escaped from the menagerie. Since Abby was still away at Connor's mum's place, Matt was the only other member of the team with clearance to bypass the security system at the menagerie, so he had to leave to deal with it. He could easily have managed on his own, but Becker has insisted on assisting him. He said it would be quicker with two of them trying to find the creature, but Matt couldn't help wondering if Becker had been looking for an excuse to escape from whatever Jess had planned at midnight.

"Whatever. I always said that the way you see in the new year sets the tone for the rest of the year, and you're proof that I'm right."

"What?" Matt shook his head. She may be brilliant at her job, but sometimes Jess made Matt's head hurt.

"Well, you chose your work over spending the time with your friends, and look how the year turned out for you."

Matt turned away and tried to focus back on his computer and count to ten before he snapped at Jess. Was she seriously suggesting that Emily had left him because he had spent new year at the ARC trying to capture an escaped creature? If only it was that simple.

"At least you can make up for it this year. Becker and I are getting there for about 9pm to make sure we can get a decent spot to see the fireworks. We can meet you there if you like? And whilst you're at it, maybe you could persuade Abby to join us as well? I did ask her yesterday, but she didn't seem keen. I'm sure if she knew you're going..."

"I think I'd be the last person Abby would want to spend the evening with." As soon as he had said it, he regretted it. Jess would not let a statement like that go without digging for more information.

"You're being silly!" Jess declared. "Of course Abby would want to spend the evening with you. She spent Christmas day with you, how much can things have changed since then?"

Matt closed his eyes. Was nothing secret in this place any more? For a moment he panicked. He was certain he'd erased a certain piece of footage from the CCTV recording – both the master copy in Becker's office and the copy that automatically fed to Lester's computer – but he supposed that Jess could very well also have her own back up copy. He wouldn't put it past her.

"Don't deny it, Matt," Jess continued. "We all saw you and Abby leave together on Christmas Eve looking very friendly."

"I gave her a lift home. That's all. And I don't think it's any of your..."

"And her bio-tag was used to access the security door from the car park at the ARC on Christmas day. Since you were also in the security office and she didn't go anywhere else in the ARC, she obviously spent the day with you." Jess looked pretty pleased with herself that she'd made a discovery about Matt and Abby. "So, unless you two have had a major falling out in the last week, I don't understand why you'd think she'd not want to join you at the lake."

Matt was about to protest and tell Jess it was none of her business when she gasped and grabbed the spare chair by his desk to sit next to him. "That's it, isn't it? You've had an argument? I knew something was wrong. Abby's been a bit down the last couple of days but I thought that was because she'd finally cleared out Connor's things and taken them to the charity shop."

This was news to Matt. He'd known Abby was planning ways to start moving forward with her life, but he had no idea that she was taking such a big step. No wonder she'd run away from him. Things must have seemed like they were racing ahead at an incredible pace and it was too much. He had no business wallowing in his own self pity and feeling like she'd as good as slapped him in the face or kicked him in the balls. It was his own fault for crossing the line of friendship when the very thing Abby needed at the moment was a decent friend.

"It wasn't an argument," he said quietly. "I just did something really stupid and now I think I've ruined everything."

Jess gave him a sympathetic look and squeezed his hand. "I'm not blind. She likes you and you like her, and if the stupid thing you did was what I think it was... then I'd say you haven't ruined anything, you just have to be patient with her. She's probably very confused about the way she's feeling and whether it's appropriate to be moving on in that way yet. Just be there, Matt." Satisfied with her advice, Jess patted Matt's hand and stood up, smiled and muttered something about needing to make Lester a cup of coffee as she scurried away. Matt blinked in her wake, trying to take in what she'd said.

He had not even considered that his feelings for Abby were anything other than friendship until Christmas Eve when she had kissed him and said thank you. As he'd driven away, he tried to push away the feeling and had succeeded in doing so by the time he crawled into his bed. It was something he'd been doing all of his life since relationships were not something he was meant to have. Then Christmas day happened, the kiss under the mistletoe and Abby's reaction. He really hadn't seen it coming, and clearly neither had Abby otherwise she would never have spent that time alone with him. Yet, Jess had seen it. And if she had, then who else had?

What Jess had said made sense too. He just had to be patient and give Abby time. He could do the friend thing easily, starting with inviting her to the lake for the fireworks tonight. He pushed back his chair and strode purposefully up the stairs and along the corridor towards the menagerie where he suspected Abby would be shut away in the office like she'd been doing before. He peered in through the small porthole style window, expecting to see her leant over her desk engrossed in her work, but the office was empty. He went in and went over to the large window that overlooked the menagerie itself, thinking that perhaps she was tending to one of the creatures, but again no sign of her.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile phone, pausing for a moment before flicking through to the directory to find Abby's number. Just as he was about to call her he stopped himself. Jess had said that Abby had seemed a bit down the last few days. There was probably a very good reason why she wasn't at work and the last thing she needed was him calling her. It was more than likely that she wanted to be alone today. Resigning himself to spending the evening with Jess and Becker, he slipped his phone back into his pocket and slowly walked back to his desk.

-o-

_New Year's Eve – Abby_

Abby sat in the car, trying to summon up the strength to do what she'd come here for. She hadn't been to the cemetery for a couple of months and felt guilty, yet she knew she shouldn't. It was a cold but sunny afternoon, and as Abby finally opened the car door she pulled her jacket around her and wrapped her scarf around her head to stop her hair being blown across her face.

It was a relatively short walk from the car park along the path towards Connor's grave, but today it felt like it was a marathon. For some reason, Connor's headstone seemed to stand out like a beacon amongst the other stones, pulling Abby towards it. When she reached it, Abby glanced around. Apart from an elderly lady she'd passed on the path, the cemetery was empty. It was how Abby liked it to be. She felt she could just sit and talk to Connor without feeling like she was being watched or judged.

"I'm sorry I haven't been for a while," she began, pulling at a couple of weeds that had grown near the base of the headstone. It had been an unusually warm winter so far without a significant frost to kill off weeds. "I spoke to your mum yesterday. She had your Aunt Margaret over for Christmas with your cousin and his baby boy. She said they're all well." Abby had no idea why she had said that, other than perhaps stalling the moment when she'd say what she needed to say.

"I've been busy too," she said, hearing her voice change as the words almost seemed to stick in her throat. "I cleared your clothes and things out of the wardrobe and took them to the Cancer research shop on the High Street. Someone else may as well get some wear out of them, and I know you'd want to support Cancer research after your dad..." She swallowed and took a deep breath, blinking away tears that were beginning to sting in her eyes. "It's not that I'm trying to forget you, Connor, far from it. But I need... It's time that I rejoined the living, and having constant reminders of you all around me is holding me back." She closed her eyes, remembering how hard it had been to hand over the bags of clothes at the shop. She'd almost grabbed them back, but managed to resist and left. It was only when she got back home that she realised that she had done the right thing. It felt different, in a good way.

"I know you'll understand why I did it. Your mum said that she believes you would want me to be happy again, and that's what I'm trying to do. I won't pretend that it's easy and I'm taking it one day at a time."

A stray tear fell down her cheek, and Abby wiped it away with her hand then laughed. "Happy? Look at me! Crying again." Taking a moment to compose herself again, she settled down on her knees and stroked the patch of grass. "I am getting there, and it's thanks to everyone at the ARC, and you I suppose. You taught me how to let people in and accept friendship and love. If you hadn't done that, then I wouldn't have got through the last year. They've all been so wonderful, Matt especially."

Acknowledging out loud for the first time that Matt had done more than others was terrifying. She waited a moment, almost as if she was going to be struck down by lightning or something for admitting it, and then smiled. "It's all happening so fast at the moment, Connor, and I'm scared. It would be so easy to just go back to being the old Abby that I was before I met you, but I can't. I know how it feels to be loved in the true sense of the word, and I know how it feels to give love back... and that's because of you. I need to feel that again, but it feels almost like it would be cheating on you or something. I don't know if what I'm feeling for Matt is love or just me reaching out and finding a sympathetic shoulder to lean on but … I guess I'm here to seek your permission to find out."

She shook her head. This was crazy. How would she even know if Connor was giving his permission anyway? Did she actually need it since he wasn't here? He was the one that had left her. If he hadn't been so careless on that day...

"I love you, Connor. I always will. But that doesn't mean I can't love someone else does it? I wish I knew what to do!"

There was silence and Abby hated it. She didn't know why she'd actually thought this was a good idea. She wasn't any closer to resolving her dilemma and now she just felt even more frustrated and confused than she had been on Christmas day. She stood up and turned to look down the path that led back out of the cemetery towards the car park and found herself looking straight at the elderly lady she'd seen earlier.

"Forgive me, dearie," she said. "I was just passing to go and visit my sister's grave and I heard what you said."

Abby frowned. This woman had no right to listen to her private conversation. She stopped herself from snapping at her; Abby may have not had the best of childhoods but she had at least been taught to have respect for her elders right from the start.

"It is OK to find room in your heart for another man you know," the woman said. "There's not many people that get a second chance at happiness after the love of their life has gone, so if you're one of the lucky ones you should embrace it. You'll know when it's right, you just have to let it happen and not fight it."

Abby softened. "How long did you wait?"

"I met my second husband nine months after my Ron passed away, though he was just a friend for two years. Then all of a sudden, I realised that I couldn't live without him and we got married!" The lady placed her hand gently on Abby's shoulder and nodded before moving away and continuing along the path. Abby watched her and felt a strange sense of peace. Perhaps Connor had sent her the answer she was looking for after all.

The walk back to the car didn't feel anywhere near as long as it had on the way to the grave. There was a slight spring in Abby's step as she closed the gate behind her and by the time she reached her car she was fumbling for her phone in her pocket. Christmas day was almost a week ago, and she hadn't spoken to Matt since. He was probably wondering what the hell he'd done and she at the very least owed him an apology. Jess had said something about celebrating the new year at the lake and watching fireworks. It would be an ideal time to begin to make amends.

Just as she was about to call him, her phone began to ring. It was Matt.

"How did you know that I wanted to speak to you?" Abby said. She hoped her voice sounded warm and friendly.

"Call me telepathic. Actually, I was just making sure that you're OK since..." His voice tailed off and Abby could tell he felt awkward.

"I should have called you, I'm sorry. Whilst I have you on the phone, I was wondering if you know anything about this thing Jess was talking about for tonight at the lake?"

"Yes. She pretty much told me that I was going. She said she'd asked you but you didn't seem keen?"

"I wasn't yesterday, but now... what was it she said? The way you see in the new year sets the tone for the rest of the year..."

"I got that speech too."

"Then how about we set ourselves up for a year of... having a good friend at your side?" It felt right the moment she said it and she could almost feel the warmth of Matt's smile through the phone.

"Sounds good to me. I'll pick you up around 8:30 if that's OK?"

She ended the call and slid into the driver's seat of her car. Glancing at the gate to the cemetery, she smiled and whispered a 'thank you' before starting the car to head home.

-o-

_New Year's Eve – Matt and Abby._

Abby perched herself on a rock set a little distance away from where the main crowd was gathering to watch the fireworks. She wasn't one for crowds and she was content to be exactly where she was now. She could see Becker taking a firm grasp of Jess's hand as he guided her through the crowd to get a better view and she smiled to herself. It seemed that Jess's year was going to get off to exactly the kind of start she wanted. Whether her theory about the rest of the year was correct would remain to be seen, but perhaps it was nice to at least dream it could be.

"I hope beer's OK?" Matt said, settling down next to her and passing her an opened bottle. "The bar's a bit limited."

"It's fine, thank you." Abby took a long mouthful and then looked ahead of her, pretending to focus on someone in the crowd. This was more than a little awkward, and she could feel the tension in the air. One of them needed to acknowledge what had happened so that they could move forward from it.

"Christmas day, " Abby began. "I think I owe you an explanation."

"No. No you don't, Abby. I understand. We were both a bit low and it was nice to actually have someone to talk to that knew what being lonely was like. I pushed things too far, and I realise that you're still grieving for Connor. So I promise you that it won't happen again. I just hope I haven't ruined our friendship?"

Abby shook her head. "Maybe it did go a little further than I'm comfortable with at the moment, but do I regret kissing you? No. Did I like it? Yes. Do I think we should do it again? …" She took a deep breath and looked down at her feet. She didn't know the answer. After a few moments, she felt Matt stroke her back and she looked up.

"I'm OK with the friends thing if you are," he said softly. "If nothing else, Christmas day made me realise that I've been on my own for too long and that I liked having your company. Perhaps we should do more of that kind of thing? I can cook a reasonable meal for two if you'd let me? Tomorrow?"

"I'd like that."

There was movement and a muttering in the crowd that made Abby glance over. Matt checked his watch and realised that midnight was only moments away. He stood up and held out his hand for Abby. She grasped it and stood up too, following him towards the edge of the crowd. The bell at the nearby church began to chime and a cheer went up. Fireworks exploded into burning streaks, illuminating the sky in their wake. As people around them began to sing or hug each other, Abby stared into the sky, lost in thought until she felt Matt's fingers squeeze hers. She looked at him and he held out his bottle of beer.

"A toast," he declared.

"What to?"

"Us."

"Oh, there's an 'us' now is there?" Abby laughed and chinked her bottle against Matt's. "To being friends."

"Friends."

As the fireworks continued, they both gazed up to watch them, moving closer to each other. Abby slipped her arm around Matt's waist, and he responded by putting his arm around her shoulders and letting her lean against him. Abby couldn't help sneaking a look up at his face, the light from the fireworks reflected in his eyes. This was so far away from how she'd felt this time last year. Back then, laid in the small single bed at Connor's mum's and silently crying as she listened to the celebrations going on outside, she didn't think she would ever be happy again. Of course, she was under no illusions that this was the end to her sadness, but it was a start towards getting back to being content with life.

Right now, Abby hoped Jess was right. If this was how the rest of the year was going to pan out, then it was going to be a great one.


End file.
